Amor y no mamadas

Encontré esto en la lista de comentarios de TheOatmeal. Fue escrito por un sujeto que había comentado como "RussetB". Espero que les guste:

I much prefer the automated checkers at the grocery store--they, I mean to say SHE, because, really, it was just the one with me, the only one, for me, I guess, but this checker actually talks to you....says please, thank you, and repeats itself without getting irritated or impatient--and here in Vegas, that's better than a slot machine. I started shopping at this one Albertson's, at first just occasionally on my way back to my rental, and then, more often, you know, going in during off-peak hours when it was slow so I knew I'd always be sure to get this one automated check-out machine with what I thought had just the nicest tone to her voice--and, after making her acquaintance, so to speak, I started, well you know, dressing nice, making sure I was shaved-the whole bit, smiles, complements (you can't tip them--I found out it's against store policy--but that's a whole other deal), and after having spent probably at least $100 in over-priced Albertson's groceries (well, so she could see real clear that I'm not a cheapskate, like some guys here in town--you know Vegas, right?), anyway, including some of the fresh flowers that I would, just kind of smooth-like, leave in what she had so nicely informed me, that first time we met, was the "bagging area," some of their nicer "on sale" flowers--I mean they're still pretty much fresh, and anyway, she knew what I meant, which is what counts I always say..you know, like I like to say, "It's what you MEANT, not what you SPENT," but after a couple of times of that, the matron they have there to help you in case you get stuck, but for me was just an old stuck-up busybody--nosy?! Well, especially after keeping me from tipping my checker girl--I expect this matron gal was just jealous-not getting the attention..but anyway, that's not my lookout, I found the one I wanted, but all the same she had started watching me, like I say, kind of jealous-like, downright SUSPICIOUS-some women, well she had a sharp eye and would catch me up and tell me how I forgot my flowers and all-but I didn't offer any to her cause I didn't want her getting wrong ideas-I already had my hands full and happy--well I did my best and finally worked it around to where I asked MY checker out, and she was still just as polite and gracious as I had come to know her to be, but still SHY, you see? LORD she was shy, not even coy, just shy. Well, I couldn't keep the Matron lady from hearing and all, and she looked at me kind of queer-like, and told me, all business, but not jealous like before, that this was my checker's last night on account of her tallies not coming out right at the end of her shift, and that there was no use in me coming back in there any more, that my checker wouldn't be there, they were taking her out--just like that. Maybe I caused her to lose track of her work with my visits and our attraction and all--probably what that shyness when I asked her out was-knowing the axe would be falling-well, of course things dimmed for me a bit there, the security guard came over and stood back a little, off to the side, but with his eyes watching us, so I new they weren't joking, so I picked up my flowers this time and went. Things were a little rugged for a while after that, but one thing changed-I never after that could face being with another slot machine, or video poker bar machine either. More lately I'll pick up a few essentials at the 7-11, off-hours, the women behind the counter can seem some friendly at times, but they don't sell the fresh flowers there, and they have the usual guys hanging round making time with those old slots. I've been thinking about, well, this town just doesn't, anyway, seem to be so much as it used to. 

(Odio escribir con la computadora de mi madre)

Que todo lo ve...

Nope, lo siento, esto no va a ser un aborto de ensayo. Se los digo de una vez para que luego no intenten lincharme mientras gritan "Brujo, nos has traicionado".Por el momento no estoy de humor para atender turbas enfurecidas.
En caso de que alguien extrañara mis intentos de cuento, creo que esto es una buena noticia; para quienes los odian, creo que me divertiré de lo lindo atormentándoles.
(Por cierto, el cuento SÍ tiene título, es el del post)

-Por haberme humillado, de ahora en adelante cargarás con la maldición de no poder reconocer el verdadero amor.-dijo la anciana mientras se sacudía el cemento de su enchinchado rebozo.

La chica a la que se dirigía, por su parte, se le quedó mirando con una rostro de fastidio bien justificado. Sinceramente, aquel fósil andante había tenido la culpa de todo; desde no fijarse en el letrero con grandes letras rojas de "no pisar", hasta provocar con su histeria que el sacarle del cuadro de cemento fresco en el que se había atascado terminara en un aparatoso espectáculo que involucrara dos patrullas, un camión de bomberos y un cacofónico concierto de bocinas alentado por el "cuello de botella" que había causado por ineptitud para estacionarse de los conductores de los vehículos oficiales y -posiblemente en mayor medida- de la gente morbosa que se deleitaba con la ridícula escena.

¿Pero de qué era ella culpable? En caso de preguntarle a un ser supremo omniciente y justo, la respuesta sería la misma que la de ella: le dijo a la vieja que tuviera cuidado con el cemento, cosa que la señora seguramente interpretó como "no tenga cuidado, usted siga caminando como un sonámbulo descerebrado, al fin no pasa nada"...al quedar atrapada la anciana ella intentó ayudarla a salir y, cuando vio que no podía, decidió llamar a la policía.

Si tan sólo hubiera proseguido con su valemadrista existencia, deslizándose espectralmente por las húmedas calles de la ciudad mientras iba a la tienda para surtirse de los vitales café, chocolate y tabaco, importándole poco si la ambulancia que se oía a lo lejos iba por un gordinflón sufriendo un ataque cardiaco o por un mocoso recién atropellado. Oh, si tan sólo no se hubiera despertado de tan buen humor, si tan sólo el paradisiaco clima veraniego no la tuviera sonriendo como demente de filme barato...hubiera sido un día tan diferente.

El que no tuviera nada importante que hacer en el día no le daba derecho al universo -o ser supremo antes mencionado- de enviarle un evento que despilfarrara de manera tan atroz su tiempo, paciencia y fe en la humanidad.

Moraleja de la historia: la próxima vez que una estúpida anciana esté a punto de quedar atrapada en el equivalente urbano de las arenas movedizas, no molestarse por prevenirle o ayudarle.

Y en cuanto a la maldición, sinceramente poco le espantaban esas cosas a esta edad en la que se logra finalmente entender por completo a lo que se refiere la gente cuando dice cuentos para niños.